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It's been nearly a year since I've had this account, I never really thought i was the type to write a blog.
I guess due to recent events, there's been alot more on my mind. I've never really been the able to share my emotions with people. I blame being a male from a fairly traditional chinese family... lol so i thought this might be the best way.
FEAR
Fear is a funny thing, it's more or less constant, always at the back of your mind, I remember ever since a young age (I think that was 1996 - so i would have been 12) i realised happiness never lasts....For ever moment of happiness you have, the joy will eventually go away. I remember my example at the time was If you go to an amusment park to play, you would eventually have to leave.
I guess at this point, i had 2 ways of looking at it 1) getting depressed and stay depressed for the Fear of something joyful ending, or 2) enjoy the happy times more... I think i unconsciencely decided on 2. I do try to enjoy the good times, a while back, at some sort of event I would take a step back and try to remember as much about that moment as possible. but whenever i do so, i also fear of that moment's end.. it's a 2 edge sword.
On a different note, a more recent Fear I've come to realise it's my fear of independence and being alone. I'm not very good at being alone, I'm not very good deciding for myself. I guess i'm not as confident with myself as I previously believed. It's hard to admit to that, to admit my own weakless. but i guess it's not that inhuman. For the past 5 years I've always had someone by my side, helping me decide everything, guiding me through everything. and now, i don't have that luxury anymore.
Now is the real test to see how Grown up i mgiht or might not be. My biggest challenge right now is finding the right place to live, by so many fears are in my head. Fear of picking the wrong place, fear of the people being assholes, fear of safety in the area, fear of not having enough money, fear of being by myself, fear of not having any friends, fear of not being able to be by myself. I even fear the dark... I also fear people don't care about me... that would be my biggest fear. I'm not always the most popular person, but i certainly have alot of friends, but I know I'm not perfect, for that, i know people would have reasons to not like me. I cherish my friends, and because of that i fear of losing them. and that is one of my biggest dears, for that reason, I really have no choice but to conquar if not all, some of my fear and find a place to live, in a way, i'm scared of what the future might hold... which is why i'm hestiting so much as this point...
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